The Misadventures of Libby & Con-Con.

“Libby and Con-Con was filmed in front of a live studio audience.”

*Opening Credits, awesome 80s intro music plays, audience cheering*

*CaliConservative and CaliLiberal are sitting at a local Starbucks. CaliLiberal ordered a “Unicorn Frappucino”, CaliConservative ordered a black coffee no sugar*

Why the hell did you bring me to this god forsaken place? You know they hire refugees over veterans right?

Yeah, that is one of the reasons why I come here.

You really are a sick person aren’t you?

No, I just understand what you do not.

And what is that?

The United States of America is the most evil nation in history.

You’re kidding right? You ever hear of Nazi Germany? the Soviet Union? Imperial Japan?! All three of which we destroyed by the way!

Ever heard of slavery? Ever heard of the Native-American genocide? The two totally unwarranted atomic bombs on Japan?! You dumb right-winger, you know nothing!

Well slavery was a horrifying oppressive evil that has been going on for millennia and still to this day, but I am pretty sure the business model specifically relies on keeping the slaves alive and healthy.

The primary slave drivers visiting Africa were the Arabs. To put it into context, America had 390 thousand slaves at it’s peak while the Arabs had 20 million slaves at peak, with a devastating 80 million Africans that didn’t survive the harsh trip across the desert. These were the complex, global, realities of slavery and it’s unfair to put the blame solely on America.

Plus the Native Americans were not victims of genocide. They fought very bravely and nobly against the European immigrants, some tribes allied the Americans, others allied themselves with the European powers like France and Britain.

In the end, the Native Americans failure to secure their borders, manufacture modern weapons and unify the tribes, all while dealing with a bombardment of diseased that had crossed the ocean from Europe was their undoing.

However, today their are 562 Native American tribes in America and we have over 5 million Native-American descendants living in America today. Our government regularly apologizes and afford special programs to our Indian popul–

*CaliLib spits out unicorn frappuccino*

RACIST! You damn disgusting fascist racist xenophobe! 

What?

We all know America was the only country that did slavery it’s all their fault! It was all about White people dominating over Blacks, it had nothing to do with a labor demand.

It doesn’t matter if they apologize, if they fought a war and ended it! It wont ever be over until Whites suffer the way those Black slaves did! Even if their families had nothing to do with it, they should pay for their skin color! Gaia willing I will right this historic wrong in my lifetime!

How dare you insinuate that peaceful Muslims would ever dare enslave their African friends! Everyone knows all other cultures coexist peacefully with each other, except America, the most warlike nation in history!

You spread lies! The Native Americans are all wiped out, barely any left, only a few like Elizabeth Warren remain to tell the tale of the pox blankets. And how dare you call them Indians! That is an offensive term, I am sure.

I would have much preferred to live in the Native American society, the perfect socialist society.

Except you forgot one thing, you would have had to do actual manual labor as a Native-American.

Don’t be silly, I am sure they had scholars of some kind. If not I could always find some scandal on the tribe chief and protest him.

I don’t think that’s how their society worked.

Did you triple-major at Berkeley?

No-

Well then I know better, than you, end of story.

Ok fine, I will move on to something else.

Hey CaliLiberal, what would you say is the biggest threat to civilization today? We got ISIS, we got North Korea, Drug Cartels, Government corruption, a failing infrastructure, rising crime, soaring murder rates, National Debt is also a huge issue for me, what is yours?

Pffft easy, well besides opposing the Commander-In-Cheeto Trump, it’s Climate Change obviously, if you knew anything you would know that! You idiotic wingnut science denier.

What about ISIS or North Korea?

First of all racist, and secondly no, Climate Change is a far greater threat than ISIS or North Korea. Hell combine the two threats and multiply them by ten and it isn’t even half the threat posed by Climate Change.

Really? I mean, well ISIS and North Korea are actually killing people, like right now, at this very minute, who has actually died because of Climate Change?

EVERYONE will die because of Climate Change…eventually! Who cares about tens of thousands of people being systematically murdered right now! 

 I can’t insult ISIS, partly because I have spent so much time defending them, and Ive been saying Islam is the religion of peace for so long that I can’t backtrack now or you wingnuts win(can’t have that). Plus we share a common enemy, American Conservatives.

But mainly, because the science is in on Climate Change and it is being caused solely by humans! At no other time has the climate changed so much! We know this because of, well science. Bill Nye says it and 97% of scientists agree with him.

Well, that study was just a sample of some scientists, not the entire population of them, and what about some people saying that C02 is actually kinda good for the environment and plan–

No! It’s the rate at which we are adding the C02 that’s the problem! Why are you even questioning me!? S.C.I.E.N.C.E.

I don’t know, I just feel like since humans have only been accurately charting temperatures for 150 years or so, how can we know this isn’t part of a natural cycle?

*CaliLib starts banging head on table*

SCIENCE! SCIENCE! 97% AGREE! POLAR ICE SAMPLES! DENIER! DENIER!

Aren’t we made of carbon?

*CaliLibs head suddenly explodes*

Whoa!

*CaliConservative looks at unicorn frappuccino with seeming desire, then looks directly at the camera*

Not in a million years!

*Freeze frame on CaliConservative smiling while credits roll*

*Theme song plays to random pictures of CaliCon and CaliLib doing various activities, protesting each other, CaliCon suppressing someones voting rights, CaliLib getting triggered at the sight of an American flag*

Libby and Con Con, Libby and Con Con

One is a Conservative, the other a Lib

One has a house, the other a crib

Lib goes to school, but he’s still such a fool

Con learns his facts, so he can fight back

Together they make an unlikely couple

but put them together for quite the chuckle

Lib wants to start a revolution and class war

Con wants to protect America and show Libs the door.

Libby and Con Con, Libby and Con Con.